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Shmuel Leib Melamud
American Jokes

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are - or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

* * *

A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."

This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."

* * *

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Edmonton. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

* * *

Сидят в баре закадычные друзья - врач и адвокат. К врачу подходит его пациент и канючит, что выписанные ему таблетки не помогают. Врач советует удвоить дозу и удовлетворённый пациент отваливает. Врач, спрашивает у друга адвоката:

- Как ты думаешь, я могу послать ему билл за консультацию?

- Сertainly! - отвечает адвокат.

Наутро врач получает билл от адвоката за консультацию.

* * *

Two psychologists walked on the street. They see a man living in a dirt, beaten up by the hoodlums.

One psychologist said to another:

- Man, the person who did that to him really needs OUR help.

* * *

A man drives at the speed exceeding 85 miles per hour on the freeway.

The highway patrol stops him and said: - I've been waiting for you all day, Sir.

The driver replies: Officer, I drove as fast as I could to get here.

* * *

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time..

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So…..you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

* * *

Маленький посёлок лесорубов в Монтане в горах. В субботу вечером какой-то праздник до упаду, так что утром в воскресенье никто не пришёл на мессу в церьковь. Патер, не долго думая, не стал служить, а взял ружьё и ушёл охотиться.

Увидел со скалы под собой медведя, бабахнул неудачно, ранил, и сам сорвался со скалы, упал и сломал ногу. Медведь медленно приближается. Патер взывает к Богу:

- Господи, я знаю, что ты наказываешь меня за то, что я не отслужил сегодня мессу! Пожалуйста, прости меня, и вразуми этого зверя!! Сделай его добрым христианином!!!

Медведь подошёл к нему, стал на колени, и говорит:

- Господи, благослови мой завтрак...


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